Baby Doll

The pupils of South Park High took their seats, anxiously and in some cases schemingly talking amongst themselves about who thier new home room teacher was going to be. Due to the lack of staff at the school -this is South Park afterall- this teacher would teach all of their lessons except for PE and music. The old teacher was now in a mental hospital in the room next to supernanny, yes it was Cartman related. In fact they now had a seperate ward, of about twenty patients, just for people who were driven to the point of insanity by Cartman.

As the door open to reveal their new teacher a collective groan off annoyance rang through the classroom. "Yes, that's right, I'm back" Mr Garisson said, strolling into the room carrying a large cardboard box with him and placing it on the desk. "And if you've got a problem with it don't go complaining to your principal 'cause she just doesn't give a fuck." He took the register quickly since he knew the teens already so he didn't really need to ask if anyone's absent. Then he picked up a piece of chalk and began scraping down a word on the board, the students winced at the noise, when he finally finished writing he stepped away from the board to reveal the word 'parenting'.

A sixteen year old Stan sighed "Mr Garisson, didn't we already do this with eggs?"
"Yes Stanley" Mr Garisson huffed. "But now that you're all older you're supposed to be mature enough to handle these." He reached into the box and pulled out a lifesized doll version of a baby dressed in a diaper, the doll had an panel on its back with a speaker.
"What's that for?" Kyle asked, pointing at the speaker.

"This..." Mr Garisson explained "...is what will provide a crying noise, if your child starts to cry you may need to feed it, change it or cuddle it, it might not stop crying but the aim is to stay as calm as possible and work through it together like real parents have to. There is also a microphone somewhere on the doll but I'm not telling you where because there was an incident last year where pupils tried to gauge out the microphones using spoons and the school had to pay to have them replaced. The microphones will not be on at all times, they will automatically switch on when the baby starts crying. At the end of each week I will listen to the recordings to see how you coped under pressure. The recordings along with the state the doll comes back in will determine your grades. Any questions?"

"Do we get to chose our partners?" Wendy questioned.

Mr Garisson looked kind of guilty "No" he pulled a list out of his pocket. "I made a bet with one of the other homeroom teachers that I could put any people in this class together and they would still get better grades than his class, so I have to use the partners written down on this list."

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose "I don't like where this is going."

Mr Garisson pulled a board across from the side of the classroom and turned it to reveal a chart with the partners listed down the side and weeks listed along the top "I will be checking the dolls every week and I will know if you've tried to swap them    -Eric- and since there are more boys in this class than girls there will be four faggy couples. You may now move to sit with your partners."

The students shuffled to their different seats reluctantly "Mr Garisson did you have to put me with this bitch?" Cartman protested.
"I agree, I can't work with this guy, he's an idiot" Cartman's partner Wendy added.

"I'm sorry but I know from expirience that Stan is a terrible parent" Bebe glared at the raven haired boy sat next to her.
"No I'm not" Stan defended. "I was just too busy being angry with Kyle that time with the eggs."

"Yeah and I can't be in a couple with Tweek" Craig chimed in. "I mean he's my friend and all but I just can't put up with him every single day for that long."
"I can't -GAH- I can't have a child with Craig! It's too much pressure!" Tweek yelled, gabbing a fistfull of his hair.

"You put me with Kenny?" Kyle questioned. "You seriously paired me with Kenny?" he repeated.
"Hey! What's so bad about me?" Kenny protested.
"You couldn't give a crap, that's what's wrong with you. I'm gonna have to do all the work because I can't trust you, you'd probably drop the thing and break it or something" Kyle pointed out.

"Three words" Damien spoke out. "No fucking way."
"Oh c'mon old chap" Pip encouraged. "It cannot possibly be that bad, every cloud has a silver lining, chin up and what not."
"My dad will do more than just sue and you know it" Damien growled.

"Oui, I agree with zee ozers" Christophe nodded. "I cannot take care of a babee, I ave important stuff to do."
"Me too" Gregory stated.

Mr Garisson snapped "Look! My car is on the line here, and I like my car, so you better shut up and work with the person you were put with! The only couple who hasn't complained so far is Butters and Red-"
Red raised her hand "Actually sir I-"
"I don't want to hear it" Mr garisson cut in "Just look at yourselves! Not that I care -'cause quite frankly I don't give a rats ass what problems you're going through- but in fourth grade you used to come up against a new problem every week and you never once backed away from them, despite the fact that you always wanted to. If you could do that then you can damn well fucking do this!" He calmed down slightly and started handing out dolls "I'm handing out slips of paper with the dolls, on the paper you will put both of the parents names and you get to name your child."

Mr Garisson handed the first doll  to Wendy along with the slip off paper, the raven haired girl glared at the doll, it had brown eyes and black hair. Typical! Wendy thought to herself, It had to be a dude! She placed the doll on her desk and picked up her pen, scribbling both her and Cartman's names down neatly.

Cartman opened his mouth ready to suggest a name but Wendy cut him off  "We are not naming our child Hitler!" He paused to think for a second and went to speak again but Wendy interrupted a second time "Or Mel Gibson, or any other one of your idols' names."

Cartman huffed "Fine!" They paused to think, both of them sat with their arms crossed and slightly turned away from eachother, Cartman let his posture relax slightly "What about Jack?"

Those three simple words put together really struck a cord within Wendy and she found herself temporarily forgeting her frustration. She felt a sharp tinge of... well, she didn't really know what it was. Everything about the situation told her it was sadness, that she must just feel sorry for him, but Wendy knew -though she would never admit it- that it was something... more. She suddenly felt cold, but she soon realized that this wasn't an outer cold, It was deep within her, as if her very core had been frozen. Three words What about Jack? They shouldn't really have this much of an efect on her but Wendy knew what that name meant to the brunette sat next to her, it was the name of his dead father, it was rare moments like this that made the girl think that maybe Cartman wasn't so bad after all and maybe his hostility was just a sheild.

Wendy quickly jotted the name down, not wanting to ruin this irregular moment of peace between the two of them by talking.

...

"Eeet ees an ugly thing isn't eet?" Christophe commented as he dangled the brown haired, blue eyed doll in front of him by its foot. " 'Onestly, I do not know what posseses people to 'ave keeds. Zey always look like aliens to me wiz their freakeesh bug eyes and tinee 'ands and feet. Zey also poop evereewhere, why don't zey just get a dog or something?"

Gregory sighed "Christophe, your terrible parenting skills do not surprise me at all" He said in an unimpresed tone. "If that was a real child she would have thrown up by now with you holding her like that." Christophe put the doll down on the desk. "What are we going to name the child anyway?"

"Adrienne" Christophe replied, without even thinking about it. Gregory gave him a questioning look "What?" Christophe shrugged. "Eet ees french, plus I promeesed my beetch of a mozer that if I ever 'ad a child, I would name it eizer Adrienne or Pierre."

"Let's hope for your possible future child's sake that you have a daughter then" Gregory comented as he wrote on the slip of paper.

...

Craig sighed as he stared at the doll on the edge of Tweek's desk, it had black hair like Craig but its eyes were leaf green like Tweek's. Something about the fact that its appearence was oddly what their child would actually look like made Craig's lips involuntarily twitch up at the corners slightly in an almost non-existant ghost of a smile. He momentarily wondered why but then brushed the thought aside as he realised something. "What is it anyway?"

"Uh..." Tweek answered with a thoughtfull tilt of his head. "I th-think... I think it's a girl."

"Great" Craig sighed. "Just perfect. Because the fact that we're already fags is just not fucking poofy enough." Tweek blushed furiously and his eye twiched nervously at that statement. "I-I-I meant in the project I mean we-we're not really a gay couple" the raven haired boy pointed out, mentally kicking himself for the out of character stammering What the fuck is wrong with me? he thought.

"Of c-course we're -GAH- not" Tweek and Craig chuckled slightly at the thought, but then the laughter suddenly died out and was consumed by an awkard silence as the two boys stared at eachother. Tweek coughed to break the silence, both of them looking away suddenly "So... uh what... what should we call her?" he asked to changed the subject.

Craig was looking down at his desk, twiddiling his thumbs absent mindedly "I don't know, something normal and short. You know, not too complicated to say and not weird names like everyone seems to be using now. It's like 'Our child isn't unique enough. I know! Let's name it after a fucking fruit or something.' I mean why the fuck would you do that? Isn't the poor thing gonna be ripped on enough already? And that's another thing, I really don't understand it when hippies name their children stuff like river or sunshine. We get it already! You like nature! Why don't you just go hug a tree or something? Oh and don't even get me started abou-" Craig stopped himself half way through his rant causing Tweek to look up at him just to check he was still alive. "I was starting to babble wasn't I?"

"Yeah you were" Tweek confirmed.

"I think I'm spending too much time with you" he chuckled. "Soon I'll be drinking coffee obsesively and jumping at the sight of my own shadow."

"But I swear it -ACK!- it's conspiring against me!" Tweek yelled.

"No it isn't Tweek, shadows are supposed to follow you, it's just were you block out the light. Besides you haven't got much of a threatening shadow anyway, I mean look at how scrawny you are."

They both sat in silence for a few more minutes until Tweek suddenly blurted out "Emma is four letters."

"Very observant Tweek" Craig replied sarcastically. The blonde tried to glare at him but his eye started twitching, which just made the raven haired boy laugh "Ok, Emma it is."

...

By the time everyone had named their dolls and Mr Garisson had given them everything they would need including prams, bottles and other such things, the bell had rang for the next lesson. The teens were all feeling strangely optimistic about their project. It was just a couple of weeks looking after a child shaped lump of plastic.

It couldn't be that difficult... right?